“Develop your business first before building your house” (Proverbs 24:27-NLT)
“Great marriages do not happen by accident.”[1] Marriage is the only institution in which one gets a certificate before entering into it. But the truth is that like every other institution marriage is an institution that requires a great deal of preparation. Sadly enough, many enter into marriage without any preparation and their dream of enjoying marriage is tossed into the deep blue ocean. Marriage was ordained by God to be enjoyed and not endured, but the key to enjoying marriage is adequate preparations and continues improvement through continuous learning. Success in marriage is not achieved and maintained by accident, those that stumble upon success cannot enjoy it if they don’t know how to maintain it. When preparations meet opportunity there is success and this principle applies to marriage.
In every marital relationship falling in love is the easy part but staying in love is not equally easy, it requires knowledge, understanding, preparation and maturity. Christian marriage is not like buying a shirt and returning it if it doesn’t fit. So choosing a marriage partner is one of the greatest decisions one can make in life, apart from one’s decision to serve Christ and choose a vocation.
The following golden nuggets will help both men and women in preparing for blissful marriages.
- Make sure you love him or her
Love is an indispensable element in every marriage. Without love there is no marriage. In Genesis 24:67 when Isaac saw his wife Rebecca it is recorded that he loved her. Paul the apostle also admonishes men to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Marriage relationships that are solely based on dreams or ‘prophecies’ can crumble due to another dream or prophecy, but love never fails. It is important not to just marry someone because a man of God told you to, even if you don’t love the individual. A minister can only confirm what God has already placed in your heart. All the different kinds of love are crucial for a marriage relationship to work including the Eros; sexual or passionate attraction or love, Philia; the friendship kind of love, Storge; the familial love, which pertains to love between parents and their children and the Agape or unconditional love.
- Be sure of your partners Christian faith
It is crucial not to enter into a marriage relationship with an unbeliever. Don’t just ask him or her “are you a Christian” and take their answer for it. Entering a relationship with an unbeliever is beginning the relationship on a wrong premise. “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3). In every relationship there are negotiable and nonnegotiable issues. One issue that is non-negotiable is the faith of the other person. It is a fallacy to think that you can change the person’s faith and marry them (2 Corinthians 6:14). They can ‘change’ to win your love but after winning your love they can do the same in the opposite direction. True conversion comes through a spiritual encounter with God but not human manipulations.
- The man needs to be actively working on a God-given vision
Marriage is for matured men and not boys. Maturity is about insight and discipline to make the right decisions and not necessarily age, even though on the average age is usually proportionate to wisdom. Marriage is all about growing up. In the book of beginnings, Adam was already a busy man before God gave him a helper in the person of Eve. Before Eve came into Adam’s life to help, Adam already had a vision and was working hard to realize that vision, he had already named all the animals as God instructed him to and was still working the land and taking care of it (Genesis 2:20-24). If a man is idle or depending on others, it is a signal that he is not ready for marriage because he cannot meet the basic requirement of being a provider for his family. God’s prescription according to Genesis 2:24 is that the man is supposed to leave his mother and father to be united to the wife. If a man is still depending on parents financially he is not ready for marriage.
- Be a virtuous woman with both inner and outer beauty
Sometimes Christian women miss the balance between physical and inner beauty. It is crucial to have both. It is important to note that one’s beauty should not only be outward but more importantly inward (Proverbs 31:10-31). However, a Christian woman cannot look grungy with the excuse of being spiritual. Even God appreciates physical beauty. Ezekiel 16:9-14 reveals how God adorned Israel His bride with jewelry, bracelets, a necklace, nose rings, earrings and a crown. Also, in Esther 2:12 queen Esther together with the other women that were vying for the heart of King Xerxes went through 12 months of preparation physically which included, “six months with oil of myrrh, followed by six months with special perfumes and ointments.” Also, a reflectively analyses of Ruth 3:3 reveals the role physical preparation played in Ruth gaining favor before Boaz and being married to him. It reveals that Ruth took a bath put on perfume and dressed in her nicest clothes in preparation for Boaz.
However, it is important to note that, just as Esther was a God fearing woman, Ruth’s character and work ethic was also highly spoken of in the community. The New Testament admonishes Christian women that, “don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands.” (1 Peter 3:3-6 NLT). The bottom line is, Christian women need to be of noble character and men need to be industrious and of great integrity, in preparation for marriage. It is important that young men and women preparing for marriage look beyond the physical beauty of individuals when choosing a partner. A good wife or husband has nothing to do with physical beauty but all to do with character.
- Find out about the person's temperament, character and family
It is common practice that before marriage two people in love usually focus on the strength of their partners, but after marriage they focus on each other’s weaknesses. No one is perfect, regardless if you notice negative traits in your partner that are non-negotiable to you, then it’s time to ‘re-think and re-pray’ about the person you are considering for marriage. Remember, you can’t change the person after marriage. “If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” (Ancient Chinese proverb). Don’t ignore warning signs, they are real. Most of the time “Unexpected information is ignored or twisted to fit old notions.”[2] Personality compatibility is also another area to pay attention to. Knowing your partner’s temperament helps you understand their nature better and know what you are in for and how to adjust. That can help both of you to develop a more balanced and healthy relationship when you work together as a team. You cannot change the personality of a partner but can work together and use the strengths that each person brings to the table. This happens as you look for the strength or positive traits in your partner and build on them.
- Do not propose or accept a proposal before asking God if it is His will
Putting the cart before the horse does not work. While preparing for marriage it is important to pray to God with an open mind and sincere heart. Many young women have been devastated because young men broke their hearts. Some even become suicidal or get mental and emotional challenges due to marriage disappointments. Regardless, it is expedient to clarify that breaking a relationship is better than divorce, God hates divorce due to its negative ripple effects on both parties, children and the community.
We save ourselves unnecessary pain and heartaches in marriage when we seek the will of God before entering into relationships. God reveals His will through different circumstances when we seek His will. Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” (John 10:27). The reality is that, even though two people may like each other, it is only God who knows what will happen in the next millisecond and the fact that two people are attracted to each other does not mean that they are meant to enter into a relationship leading to marriage. The safest place to be in the universe is in God’s will. So taking crucial life decisions like marriage without God’s guidance can be suicidal. God knows the best man or woman for you. When you serve Him faithfully and seek His will He grabs a good one for you. This brings up the issue of dating numerous people with the pretext of looking for one that is compatible with you. Some even go to the extent of living together to test “the waters” or compatibility, and that is clearly against God’s divine ordinance. Prayer is one of the bedrock foundations of a successful marriage not dating multiple people.
- Wait for God’s divine time
Many people rush into courtships too early in life, at a stage when they don’t even understand their purpose and vision in life clearly. Later on in life when they get a clearer understanding of their purpose, they realize that the person they choose was not the best fit in terms of common goals and interest in life.
Consequently, it‘s crucial to be careful about extremely long relationships. Even though there may not be hard and fast rules about how long to be in a relationship before marriage. Extremely long premarital relationships can result in unnecessary temptations and stress. “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 8:4).
- Get good premarital counseling
Marriage is a lifelong journey and should not be ventured into unadvisedly or lightly. The importance of premarital counseling cannot be overemphasized. This is because the best way to gain wisdom is through knowledge and the experiences of other people but not your own mistakes. Premarital counseling based on biblical principles can save couples from many future difficulties. It can reveal temperaments and outline the roles of the husband and wife as they relate to each other and to their prospective children (Ephesians 5:22—6:4; Colossians 3:18–21).
“It is an excellent way to clear up misconceptions about marriage, set goals, and distinguish between God’s standards and those of the world” (1 Timothy 3:4–5; Titus 1:7). It offers couples an opportunity to raise questions pertaining to the management of finances, family traits, temperaments, household chores, disciplining children, sex etc. “Solid, biblical premarital counseling may well be the difference between a couple who knows how to work through their problems successfully and a couple who struggles with nothing more than human viewpoints and worldly standards to guide them.”[3] It is critical that a couple commits to premarital counseling with the aim of modeling their marriage after God’s ordinance.
- Men should treat the young women as sisters
Paul the Apostle admonished Timothy to treat “younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2). One mistake that some young men make is going ahead of God and themselves to propose to a young woman and be attached before the right time. Even when it is the will of God for two people to be together, timing is still crucial. Doing the right thing at the wrong time defeats the purpose and affects maximum productivity. The key is treating all your Christian sisters as sisters with pure motives and respect and not rushing to make a commitment before the right time.
- Set limits
God created man with natural sexual instincts. But they are supposed to be only unleashed in the context of marriage. So Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:9 that if one cannot control him or self, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Because God created man with natural sexual desires for the opposite sex, putting yourself in a compromising situation like enclosed places alone with a person of the opposite sex can lead to sin no matter your spiritual maturity. It’s important to set limits and discuss and clarify them when you are in a relationship. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” (Proverbs 6:27)
- Make sure your motives are right
True love gives. For God so love the world that he gave. Pride, ego and selfishness is the enemy of marriage. If you are not ready to sacrifice and submit to another person then you are not ready for marriage. The moment you marry life is not about you anymore but about two people and later on the future of precious children with unique destinies. Many enter into marriage with wrong selfish motives of not giving to build the other person but only seeking their selfish interest, and fail in their marriages. Simply put, marriage is not a business venture but one of giving to build another person.
- Understand your future role in marriage
Having a clear understanding of your future role in marriage as a man or woman is critical to a successful marriage. In marriage, man is called to lead and love. The man is called to lead by means of providing for, protecting and guiding his family. This role of the man can only be achieved or maximized through love and sacrifice. A man that is not ready to sacrifice for his wife and kids is not ready for marriage (Ephesians 5:25-27).
Conversely, according to Genesis 2:18 God created the wife to be her husband’s helper. To be effective in her role as a helper the wife needs the grace of God to submit to her husband’s leadership and respect him at all times. As a woman preparing for marriage, don’t say yes to a man whom you don’t respect and whose leadership you cannot submit to.
- Do not contaminate yourself
God’s word is clear about the need to preserve one’s self sexually until marriage. The Bible clearly forbids premarital sex or fornication. 1 Corinthians 6:18 is one example of scriptures that speak to the negative consequences of premarital sex. It states that “flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” Oral sex, video sex etc. all defile the unmarried. In the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:28 he says, “but I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Engaging in premarital sex results in both negative spiritual and physical consequences. The consequences include soul ties, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and eternal damnation (1 Corinthians 6:16, Ephesians 5:31).
- Get the blessing of your physical and spiritual parents
Both in the Old and New Testament parents were actively involved in their children’s marriage and parental consent during marriage is essential. In Genesis 24 Abraham requested his oldest servant to find a wife for his son Isaac among his own people. Jeremiah 29:6 also talks about God instructing the people of Israel to give their children in marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:38 and Matthew 24:38 are New Testament references about parental consent in marriage. Physical parents and the church have a duty to forbid marriage of their children to unbelievers (Deuteronomy 7:3 and 2 Corinthians 6:14).
- Be honest to each other
Honesty to one another is crucial during preparations for marriage, many marriages go through unnecessary complications because of dishonesty to each other during courtship. Genesis 2:25 teaches that “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The main lesson here is transparency to each other. Secrets about one’s past life, finances and other sensitive issues can create problems in a future marriage if not dealt with in wisdom during courtship and premarital counseling. It is usually better to be honest and deal with issues sooner than later, instead of sweeping them under the carpet. Issues swept under the carpet can become a mountain of dirt creating chronic and poisonous problems in marriages.
Remember, the only place “Success” comes before “Work” is in the dictionary. In real life work precedes success. Begin working on yourself today, as you prepare to enjoy your blissful marriage (Ecclesiastes 9:9).
[1] Ronald E. Hawkins, Strengthening Marital Intimacy, (Michigan: Baker Book House Company, 1991).
[2] Charles A. Kollar, Solution-Focused Pastoral Counseling: An Effective Short-Term Approach for Getting People Back on Track (Zondervan. Kindle Edition), Kindle Locations 104.
[3] https://www.gotquestions.org/premarital-counseling.html
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